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THE REAL CAUSE OF HURRICANE SANDY

Hurricane Sandy

Our Theory...the real one. 

There are many people who are attributing to the events of Hurricane Sandy to some myth called global  warming. Well I'd like to refute those myths and provide you with the cold hard truth. 

Hurricane Sandy was the result of a giant Mermaid Orgie that occurred somewhere around Jamaica. 

Take a while to consider the facts. 

When did Hurricane Sandy Occur? October. 

What happens in October? Halloween and Octoberfest. 

What happens during Halloween and Octoberfest? Massive Orgies. 

Which species of beings is most commonly known for having Orgies? Mermaids. 

Where do most Mermaids Live? In Jamaica

What is a common activity in Jamaica? Sex

What happens when people engage in sexual activity? Vibrations

What are Vibrations known to cause? Earthquakes

What happens when Earthquake occur? Tsunamis

What happens when Tsunamis occur in the middle of the oceans? Nothing

What happens when Nothing happens? Something

What happens when something happens? Something

What is that something? It can be anything...

Can that anything be a Tropical Cyclone? Yes

Was that Tropical Cyclone most likely hurricane Sandy?  Yes

And their you have it facts cold hard evidence that the cause of Hurricane Sandy was not Global Warming but Mermaids. So the next time you see Richard Nixons head in the Museum of Ancient Celebrities and scold him for not raising proper awareness about Global Warming, when Mother Nature started hating us in the early 70's for trying to become one with the gardens and shit when clearly she didn't want that, you should think twice, and instead scold him for not raising proper awareness about mermaid sexual conducts and banning the education of safe sex to children in school who would grow into mermaids have way too many children cause large orgies and eventually cause massive hurricanes that would cost thousands of dollars. 

I bet you are regretting all that decision now Nixon. I bet you are. 

 

PARNORMAL CELEBRITIES

Ever wonder why Nicholas Cage stars in such bad movies, or why Tom Cruise is always running in his movies well this blog provides detailed evidence as to the real motives and existence behind celebrities. 

Nicholas Cage

First is Nicholas Cage a truly Paradoxical Character, Nicholas Cage never ages and never makes good movies (with the exception of Ghost Rider). There is only one simple reason to back this theory up, he is a vampire. 

Tom Cruise 

Ever wonder why Tom Cruise is always running in his movies. Common assumption is that he is a closeted homosexual and he needs to run away from his gay thoughts that periodically plague. But this is in fact untrue. Tom Cruise is not a Homosexual, or a Hetrosexual, or even Asexual. Tom Cruise is actually a cheetah. Tom Cruise made a deal with the devil in the early 80's to be the coolest man alive but the devil being the devil tricked him and in turn, turned him into a cheetah. The Tom Cruise we see today is not Tom Cruise but some Cheetah. Evidently this also explains why he is so attracted to Scientology. 

People of representation of Mr. Thomas Mapother Cruise Jr, we are just the messenger relaying the facts. 

Sincerely, 

Horace Stepp PI and Associates. 

Still Looking for Bouras...

So, apparently, Mr. Timmy never has a three eyed pig named Bouras in his possession, and Mrs. Donnie's cows never had any form of mad cow disease whatsoever.

Also there names were never Mr. Timmy and Mrs. Donnie either, Mr. Timmy was really Mr. Gregory Benton, the larger Bacon Farmer in the Midwest, and Mrs. Donnie was Anna Marrie the largest angus beef producer in the Mideast, and Benton just wanted her business so he hired us to kill all the cows on her farm so he would be the largest producer of both.

Mr. Benton was quite grateful though, he provide us with a years worth of BentonHouse Bacon.
Mrs. Marrie on the other hand not so much, she called the Federal Marshalls on us, and our two interns our now being held in jail for Cow Genocide, also we, nor anyone in our company are not allowed to set foot in any of the following states, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, and Texas.

But, this does not mean the search for Bouras is over, e-mail us if you seen this pig. 

It's desperately looking for its owner :(

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Mission Accomplished!

Once again a great thanks to Kate and John, who successfully against all odds managed to slaughter over 200 of Mrs. Donnie's pigs.

Keep in mind this is a great success for two reasons.

1. The millions of Kansasinian Lives we saved from turning into Zombies
2. We earned the respect of Mr. Timmy and we'll finally be able to retrieve Bouras. 

Take a look at his picture our interns sent us. Have you ever seen a more uplifting sight? 

Translated for Normal People

Sorry, after a series of backlash and e-mails we forgot that the common person doesn't understand the complex meaning and numbers behind our charts. As requested we are going to provide you with simple bullet points to understanding the mad cow disease and our plans to eradicate Mr. Donnie's farm of all the cows.

• The cows are being fed blue grass which effects the mind
• The mind defragments the brain of the cows which creates a desease
• This disease when translated into either meat or milk effects the human brain making them slow and zombie-like 
• this is why Kansas is full of such slow people

Here's is our simple plan to kill all the cows: we give John and Kate a bunch of weapons and at night when Mrs. Donnie is sleeping we have them kill them in any way they can. We don't have time to think of a simpler plan... unfortunately.  

Completed Research

It's been over a week since we obtained the sample from Kate and John on the Mad cow, but we finally discovered some vital information in regard to the disease. Take a look at these charts above. 

Mad Cow.

I think due Congratulations should be given to our great interns John and Kate, who successfully managed to kill this defective cow. 

They sent us a few sample which we will analyze in our labs to find the best and most proper way to rid Mrs. Donnie of her evil Cow population. 


Don't worry little Bouras, its only a matter of time before we return to your rightful owner. 

Trouble on the Farm

We just got word in from Katie and Jonathan. Unfortunately there is some trouble on the farm. Mr. Timmy is refusing to allow us into the pig barn unless we do a favor for him.

His neighbor Mrs. Donnie, who is also the premiere cow farmer in the American Mid-Central West (North of the Mississippi River)  Has over 200 cows who are all suffering from a extremely rare and deadly form of Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy, or known to the masses as Mad Cow diseases. He claims that before he will allow our interns into the pig Barn and retrieve Bouras, we need to sneak over to Mrs. Donnie's farm and figure out a way to get rid of all her cows.

I GUESS IF ITS FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND, IT CAN'T HURT, RIGHT?

More to be updated later....

The Farm.

Our best interns just arrived at the farm and they sent us this wonderful picture. 

Apparently, Mr. Timmy is the largest producer of Bacon in all the American Mid-Central West north of the Mississipi. It's no wonder that Bouras found his way to this pig farm out of all pig farms in the world. 

The Kansas Arrival

It's been along journey yet again, but we finally arrived in Kansas. 

We sent two of our best interns out on the job.  Katie Maye and Jonathan Kira. 

We have the utmost faith in them that they will get the job done and retrieve the three eyed pig Bouras and return it back to its rightful owner. 

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Well isn't this wonderful.

A Vernon, Kansas Local by the name of Mr. Timmy has provided us with the whereabouts of the unknown three eyed psychic pig that has been missing for over a week.

Congratulations Mr. Timmy, we'll send you our best man asap.


And Yes, we will make sure to promote your great home-murdered bacon!

3-EYED PIG

The Case of the Three Eyed Missing Pig. 

So a couple whiles back we were walking along some abandoned highway in Kansas, looking for nuclear mutated mole rats and we stumbled across this flyer.

Now we are asking our fellow readers, if anyone sees this Pig, CONTACT US IMMEDIATLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

If this Pig is caught in the wrong hands, bad things will happen. 

**The Government has suppressing supernatural existence ever since George Washington became a Ghost in 1799**
Don't let them continue these monstrous actions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!